Sounded Good On Paper

A New Take on Aphorisms

If you're like me, and pray to God you aren't because then I will need to hunt you down, then you have a problem with almost all aphorisms and colloquialisms.  The damn things just piss me off.  "One in the hand is worth two in the bush." WTF does that even mean?  There is no situation where having immediate access to something is only half as good as not having access to it.  Interestingly enough this phrase could make sense if applied to something like radioactive material on your shirt, or a deadly neuro-toxin seeping in to skin while you lie bleeding on the floor but it is never used for these downers, only for good things. Anyway, below is a list of modified sayings that are more in line with reality, or at least how I try to make reality.  If you disagree with any of them you can die in a fire.

(1) If at first you don't succeed kill the witnesses so no one will know of your failure. (2) That which does not kill you only makes you weaker for the second wave of the assault. (3) Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely, but it’s absolutely fucking awesome. (4) Sometimes you get the bull, most of these times he will gore you to death.